Fear of Pain

9/7

So the girls are finally back in school, it’s a drowsy day, possible rain but continues to look as if it already is, and I’m looking around, my eyes slowly rotating around the room. What a mess, scattered everywhere, chores were not properly done, and my shit laid out on the dining table, as I don’t really have a whole lot of place for my stuff.

Enough mess for me to not only ignores it but to do artwork ON TOP of the piled up table.

Is it the weather?

Is it something?

I wanted to speed clean today; do you realize how much dishes can be dirtied even without actually making meals?

I’d like an office one day, a room, or a closet, hell I don’t care! Just a place I can do whatever to it, close everything out, blast some music, and do whatever my heart desires at that moment. I think one day it’ll come when both kids are 18 and in college.

My hands are killing me though. I hate doctors, my entire life I have not had any kind of trust with doctors. Sure I didn’t think of that as a kid but looking back, none of them really ‘discovered’ anything, they just assume and filled out a prescription. Now as an adult and on Medicaid, there is not only a limit of doctors you can see but none of them worth my time as all they care about is giving you their 15 minutes of office visit and on to someone who is actually paying. I do not like pills of any kind I have been messed up on just about every medication I’ve ever been on. I do not believe there are doctors (in my price range) who believes in natural medications. But then again, my hands are really killing me. It started about 1 ½ yrs ago.

Just powerful small pains here and there. I knew something was wrong but nothing worth my time. Well, actually myself does not seem to get ahead of other selves. But it was small weird pains. Feelings of electrodes bouncing off my elbows. Mostly my left arm but never passed my elbow. When I sleep, well not sure while I’m sleeping, but when I wake, my hands are numb, and not sleepy numb. This pain has this heaviness and shoots sharp needles to my elbow.

So here I am more than a year later, the pain not only continues and I workout both body and hands, the heaviness of the pain is thicker. I have to wait for the pain to go away before continuing on what I’m doing. My addicted designing hobby has become more of a faraway dream. House chores become more of an accident waiting to happen. Lifting seems a challenge sometimes and I take pride in my strength.

It gets lonely when I can’t seem to pass on my pain, when I can’t seem to get a natural cure rather than listening to all the bullshit from high paying doctors with small minds.

I fear for my eyes too. Glasses are pricey, especially when you put yourself last. But times when my eyes feel like they are being squeezed. Sunlight sometimes hurt or even staying up late.

There’s fear that all my control over my insanity may get lost.