Zapping Electrodes

9/24/11

Last April is when the tiny pain of electrodes zap from my finger tips to my elbow. What could I possibly have done to deserve the lost use of my arms.

Not having a friend to cry to or share my pain is harder than I make it look. It gets lonely. Having a husband is not the same as having someone I could share and who’d understand what’s going on.

Growing up I was sent away to far off places. The adults in my life made sure I spoke well and learned to use whatever hearing I had. I’m a skilled lip reader but has always depended on sounds along with what I see.

When I was home I was just as lonely then as I am now. I barely had to do anything to get my face slapped, damn all my younger sisters had to do was start their fake cries and accuse me of anything.

Although I grew up as an honor student and was parised for being smart I still received the abuse of words. I had no relationship with my mother or any of my four sisters. I struggled to stay out of my family only to be beaten down. Susan’s favorite drink didn’t ever helped her, vodka and sprite.

Even as lonely as I was growing up, being independent, it was always about pleasing others. I felt better when others praised me, I felt accepted and wanted. Susan just wanted to yell and make threats.

I laughed at her when she was in pain, pain in her arms. After she slapped me she would be in pain.

So being independent my whole life didn’t really prepare me for now. Always pleasing others I never gave myself a chance to just sit back and figure out what I want.

My dad was no better, he left Susan fourteen times before they finally divorced. He’s bipolar. He’s on his 5^th or 6^th wife, who he has left twice already.

I am/was able to smarten up about my parents behavior and promised myself to never become them, especially when I became a mother. I work hard EVERYDAY not to become my parents. It is sad that I yell like Susan did BUT I never physically touch my kids or call them names. I praise them everyday, I love them with everything I can give them and I am open minded about everything we talk about.

Emotions out of Proportions

9/23/11

It’s a pain that brings up emotions that are long gone.

Wednesday after school neighbor kid stated I flipped them off on the way home from school. After a misunderstanding and anger, as I can’t hear shit without my hearing aids, I told her I hadn’t flipped the two boys off. By then I was already upset with neighbor problems when she stated they all witness me slap Katana in the face! Then I blew it! I mean that is not only an insult to my intelligent but also the worse thing you could ever say to me!

I had a childhood full of face slapping, shut outs and emotional abuse. I am a hell of a lot stronger than Susan!

And then more pain formed, the tightness in my chest for being called an abuser and the tingle in my arms. Emotions ran high that night and my arms became weakened with every tear I dropped.  Still in tears, they are just dry. I am going crazy extra loving the girls as this is not an issue children needs to be dragged into when they are very untrue.

The stress of those neighbors, the new ones that I’ve been constantly complaining about, has caused me enough issues to deal with. I can’t sleep, I’m constantly keeping an eye out, and the girls have not played much outside cause all that will come is profanity from the stressful neighbors. Profanity that gets denied and proof that gets hard to get.

I’m not moving, I love my landlord, he loves us, and I do not have to deal with them since I’m on my own property. Problem is there’s no fence so there’s more to see and deal with. When money looks steady one day, we’ll build a fence.

This pain has gotten worse over the last year and a half. Hate doctors to death, growing up with seizures I was always told I was a pretty much a liar cause there’s no ‘proof’ in testings that I go through, such as MRI’s and EKGs. And many other nonsense, I just never had a doctor I could actually trust and taken the time. I know my own body and if I feel that I have a certain condition or I know I have that kind of pain then I don’t expect to be treated like I’m an idiot cause how would I know such a thing unless testing is done! Whatever. I know I need to see the doctor and part of me is just to damn scared to find out what’s wrong. I do not and will not stuff myself with man made pills. The tingling feeling has come more and more often from the minute I wake and throughout my day. The only time its actually okay is if I keep my entire arms straight, bending them causes too much pain. I am a very strong woman but the pain weakens me, it gets harder to pick up my little one to hug her, or give the girls a piggyback ride.

I get sadder everyday sometimes, I hate the unknown. My husband and girls is the only thing that keeps me going; I will not let my girls go without a mother nor my husband without a wife. I have failed to be able to get ear molds for my hearing aids. Medicaid doesn’t pay for shit that you actually need and $150 just seems steep. You think ‘Oh why not just deal with not hearing’ and it is not as easy as it seems. Now I depend solely on lip reading and visual cues. Growing up I learned to use my hearing, I love hearing and I’ve grown accustom to it and now its hard not being able to hear. Its sad that I only catch half of what my little on says. Its sad that I can’t communicate with my oldest in the dark anymore while she tells me about her day at school and the things going on with her life.

I don’t complain; there are many others with worse things to deal with in their daily life. I’m here to be taking care of my family and I could never imagine being with another man. But when I hurt, I’m more alone even when they are around me.

Fear of Pain

9/7

So the girls are finally back in school, it’s a drowsy day, possible rain but continues to look as if it already is, and I’m looking around, my eyes slowly rotating around the room. What a mess, scattered everywhere, chores were not properly done, and my shit laid out on the dining table, as I don’t really have a whole lot of place for my stuff.

Enough mess for me to not only ignores it but to do artwork ON TOP of the piled up table.

Is it the weather?

Is it something?

I wanted to speed clean today; do you realize how much dishes can be dirtied even without actually making meals?

I’d like an office one day, a room, or a closet, hell I don’t care! Just a place I can do whatever to it, close everything out, blast some music, and do whatever my heart desires at that moment. I think one day it’ll come when both kids are 18 and in college.

My hands are killing me though. I hate doctors, my entire life I have not had any kind of trust with doctors. Sure I didn’t think of that as a kid but looking back, none of them really ‘discovered’ anything, they just assume and filled out a prescription. Now as an adult and on Medicaid, there is not only a limit of doctors you can see but none of them worth my time as all they care about is giving you their 15 minutes of office visit and on to someone who is actually paying. I do not like pills of any kind I have been messed up on just about every medication I’ve ever been on. I do not believe there are doctors (in my price range) who believes in natural medications. But then again, my hands are really killing me. It started about 1 ½ yrs ago.

Just powerful small pains here and there. I knew something was wrong but nothing worth my time. Well, actually myself does not seem to get ahead of other selves. But it was small weird pains. Feelings of electrodes bouncing off my elbows. Mostly my left arm but never passed my elbow. When I sleep, well not sure while I’m sleeping, but when I wake, my hands are numb, and not sleepy numb. This pain has this heaviness and shoots sharp needles to my elbow.

So here I am more than a year later, the pain not only continues and I workout both body and hands, the heaviness of the pain is thicker. I have to wait for the pain to go away before continuing on what I’m doing. My addicted designing hobby has become more of a faraway dream. House chores become more of an accident waiting to happen. Lifting seems a challenge sometimes and I take pride in my strength.

It gets lonely when I can’t seem to pass on my pain, when I can’t seem to get a natural cure rather than listening to all the bullshit from high paying doctors with small minds.

I fear for my eyes too. Glasses are pricey, especially when you put yourself last. But times when my eyes feel like they are being squeezed. Sunlight sometimes hurt or even staying up late.

There’s fear that all my control over my insanity may get lost. 

First day of school…

Funny how I’ve been waiting for this day; and still have no idea what to do. Its so quiet and lonely its almost as if you could just cry a river.

I’m so fucking bored it’s driving me crazy. I can’t seem to find something worth doing and when I did get started on something it ended with me being stuck at finishing it.