Emotions out of Proportions

9/23/11

It’s a pain that brings up emotions that are long gone.

Wednesday after school neighbor kid stated I flipped them off on the way home from school. After a misunderstanding and anger, as I can’t hear shit without my hearing aids, I told her I hadn’t flipped the two boys off. By then I was already upset with neighbor problems when she stated they all witness me slap Katana in the face! Then I blew it! I mean that is not only an insult to my intelligent but also the worse thing you could ever say to me!

I had a childhood full of face slapping, shut outs and emotional abuse. I am a hell of a lot stronger than Susan!

And then more pain formed, the tightness in my chest for being called an abuser and the tingle in my arms. Emotions ran high that night and my arms became weakened with every tear I dropped.  Still in tears, they are just dry. I am going crazy extra loving the girls as this is not an issue children needs to be dragged into when they are very untrue.

The stress of those neighbors, the new ones that I’ve been constantly complaining about, has caused me enough issues to deal with. I can’t sleep, I’m constantly keeping an eye out, and the girls have not played much outside cause all that will come is profanity from the stressful neighbors. Profanity that gets denied and proof that gets hard to get.

I’m not moving, I love my landlord, he loves us, and I do not have to deal with them since I’m on my own property. Problem is there’s no fence so there’s more to see and deal with. When money looks steady one day, we’ll build a fence.

This pain has gotten worse over the last year and a half. Hate doctors to death, growing up with seizures I was always told I was a pretty much a liar cause there’s no ‘proof’ in testings that I go through, such as MRI’s and EKGs. And many other nonsense, I just never had a doctor I could actually trust and taken the time. I know my own body and if I feel that I have a certain condition or I know I have that kind of pain then I don’t expect to be treated like I’m an idiot cause how would I know such a thing unless testing is done! Whatever. I know I need to see the doctor and part of me is just to damn scared to find out what’s wrong. I do not and will not stuff myself with man made pills. The tingling feeling has come more and more often from the minute I wake and throughout my day. The only time its actually okay is if I keep my entire arms straight, bending them causes too much pain. I am a very strong woman but the pain weakens me, it gets harder to pick up my little one to hug her, or give the girls a piggyback ride.

I get sadder everyday sometimes, I hate the unknown. My husband and girls is the only thing that keeps me going; I will not let my girls go without a mother nor my husband without a wife. I have failed to be able to get ear molds for my hearing aids. Medicaid doesn’t pay for shit that you actually need and $150 just seems steep. You think ‘Oh why not just deal with not hearing’ and it is not as easy as it seems. Now I depend solely on lip reading and visual cues. Growing up I learned to use my hearing, I love hearing and I’ve grown accustom to it and now its hard not being able to hear. Its sad that I only catch half of what my little on says. Its sad that I can’t communicate with my oldest in the dark anymore while she tells me about her day at school and the things going on with her life.

I don’t complain; there are many others with worse things to deal with in their daily life. I’m here to be taking care of my family and I could never imagine being with another man. But when I hurt, I’m more alone even when they are around me.