Zapping Electrodes

9/24/11

Last April is when the tiny pain of electrodes zap from my finger tips to my elbow. What could I possibly have done to deserve the lost use of my arms.

Not having a friend to cry to or share my pain is harder than I make it look. It gets lonely. Having a husband is not the same as having someone I could share and who’d understand what’s going on.

Growing up I was sent away to far off places. The adults in my life made sure I spoke well and learned to use whatever hearing I had. I’m a skilled lip reader but has always depended on sounds along with what I see.

When I was home I was just as lonely then as I am now. I barely had to do anything to get my face slapped, damn all my younger sisters had to do was start their fake cries and accuse me of anything.

Although I grew up as an honor student and was parised for being smart I still received the abuse of words. I had no relationship with my mother or any of my four sisters. I struggled to stay out of my family only to be beaten down. Susan’s favorite drink didn’t ever helped her, vodka and sprite.

Even as lonely as I was growing up, being independent, it was always about pleasing others. I felt better when others praised me, I felt accepted and wanted. Susan just wanted to yell and make threats.

I laughed at her when she was in pain, pain in her arms. After she slapped me she would be in pain.

So being independent my whole life didn’t really prepare me for now. Always pleasing others I never gave myself a chance to just sit back and figure out what I want.

My dad was no better, he left Susan fourteen times before they finally divorced. He’s bipolar. He’s on his 5^th or 6^th wife, who he has left twice already.

I am/was able to smarten up about my parents behavior and promised myself to never become them, especially when I became a mother. I work hard EVERYDAY not to become my parents. It is sad that I yell like Susan did BUT I never physically touch my kids or call them names. I praise them everyday, I love them with everything I can give them and I am open minded about everything we talk about.