Zapping Electrodes

9/24/11

Last April is when the tiny pain of electrodes zap from my finger tips to my elbow. What could I possibly have done to deserve the lost use of my arms.

Not having a friend to cry to or share my pain is harder than I make it look. It gets lonely. Having a husband is not the same as having someone I could share and who’d understand what’s going on.

Growing up I was sent away to far off places. The adults in my life made sure I spoke well and learned to use whatever hearing I had. I’m a skilled lip reader but has always depended on sounds along with what I see.

When I was home I was just as lonely then as I am now. I barely had to do anything to get my face slapped, damn all my younger sisters had to do was start their fake cries and accuse me of anything.

Although I grew up as an honor student and was parised for being smart I still received the abuse of words. I had no relationship with my mother or any of my four sisters. I struggled to stay out of my family only to be beaten down. Susan’s favorite drink didn’t ever helped her, vodka and sprite.

Even as lonely as I was growing up, being independent, it was always about pleasing others. I felt better when others praised me, I felt accepted and wanted. Susan just wanted to yell and make threats.

I laughed at her when she was in pain, pain in her arms. After she slapped me she would be in pain.

So being independent my whole life didn’t really prepare me for now. Always pleasing others I never gave myself a chance to just sit back and figure out what I want.

My dad was no better, he left Susan fourteen times before they finally divorced. He’s bipolar. He’s on his 5^th or 6^th wife, who he has left twice already.

I am/was able to smarten up about my parents behavior and promised myself to never become them, especially when I became a mother. I work hard EVERYDAY not to become my parents. It is sad that I yell like Susan did BUT I never physically touch my kids or call them names. I praise them everyday, I love them with everything I can give them and I am open minded about everything we talk about.

Emotions out of Proportions

9/23/11

It’s a pain that brings up emotions that are long gone.

Wednesday after school neighbor kid stated I flipped them off on the way home from school. After a misunderstanding and anger, as I can’t hear shit without my hearing aids, I told her I hadn’t flipped the two boys off. By then I was already upset with neighbor problems when she stated they all witness me slap Katana in the face! Then I blew it! I mean that is not only an insult to my intelligent but also the worse thing you could ever say to me!

I had a childhood full of face slapping, shut outs and emotional abuse. I am a hell of a lot stronger than Susan!

And then more pain formed, the tightness in my chest for being called an abuser and the tingle in my arms. Emotions ran high that night and my arms became weakened with every tear I dropped.  Still in tears, they are just dry. I am going crazy extra loving the girls as this is not an issue children needs to be dragged into when they are very untrue.

The stress of those neighbors, the new ones that I’ve been constantly complaining about, has caused me enough issues to deal with. I can’t sleep, I’m constantly keeping an eye out, and the girls have not played much outside cause all that will come is profanity from the stressful neighbors. Profanity that gets denied and proof that gets hard to get.

I’m not moving, I love my landlord, he loves us, and I do not have to deal with them since I’m on my own property. Problem is there’s no fence so there’s more to see and deal with. When money looks steady one day, we’ll build a fence.

This pain has gotten worse over the last year and a half. Hate doctors to death, growing up with seizures I was always told I was a pretty much a liar cause there’s no ‘proof’ in testings that I go through, such as MRI’s and EKGs. And many other nonsense, I just never had a doctor I could actually trust and taken the time. I know my own body and if I feel that I have a certain condition or I know I have that kind of pain then I don’t expect to be treated like I’m an idiot cause how would I know such a thing unless testing is done! Whatever. I know I need to see the doctor and part of me is just to damn scared to find out what’s wrong. I do not and will not stuff myself with man made pills. The tingling feeling has come more and more often from the minute I wake and throughout my day. The only time its actually okay is if I keep my entire arms straight, bending them causes too much pain. I am a very strong woman but the pain weakens me, it gets harder to pick up my little one to hug her, or give the girls a piggyback ride.

I get sadder everyday sometimes, I hate the unknown. My husband and girls is the only thing that keeps me going; I will not let my girls go without a mother nor my husband without a wife. I have failed to be able to get ear molds for my hearing aids. Medicaid doesn’t pay for shit that you actually need and $150 just seems steep. You think ‘Oh why not just deal with not hearing’ and it is not as easy as it seems. Now I depend solely on lip reading and visual cues. Growing up I learned to use my hearing, I love hearing and I’ve grown accustom to it and now its hard not being able to hear. Its sad that I only catch half of what my little on says. Its sad that I can’t communicate with my oldest in the dark anymore while she tells me about her day at school and the things going on with her life.

I don’t complain; there are many others with worse things to deal with in their daily life. I’m here to be taking care of my family and I could never imagine being with another man. But when I hurt, I’m more alone even when they are around me.

Fear of Pain

9/7

So the girls are finally back in school, it’s a drowsy day, possible rain but continues to look as if it already is, and I’m looking around, my eyes slowly rotating around the room. What a mess, scattered everywhere, chores were not properly done, and my shit laid out on the dining table, as I don’t really have a whole lot of place for my stuff.

Enough mess for me to not only ignores it but to do artwork ON TOP of the piled up table.

Is it the weather?

Is it something?

I wanted to speed clean today; do you realize how much dishes can be dirtied even without actually making meals?

I’d like an office one day, a room, or a closet, hell I don’t care! Just a place I can do whatever to it, close everything out, blast some music, and do whatever my heart desires at that moment. I think one day it’ll come when both kids are 18 and in college.

My hands are killing me though. I hate doctors, my entire life I have not had any kind of trust with doctors. Sure I didn’t think of that as a kid but looking back, none of them really ‘discovered’ anything, they just assume and filled out a prescription. Now as an adult and on Medicaid, there is not only a limit of doctors you can see but none of them worth my time as all they care about is giving you their 15 minutes of office visit and on to someone who is actually paying. I do not like pills of any kind I have been messed up on just about every medication I’ve ever been on. I do not believe there are doctors (in my price range) who believes in natural medications. But then again, my hands are really killing me. It started about 1 ½ yrs ago.

Just powerful small pains here and there. I knew something was wrong but nothing worth my time. Well, actually myself does not seem to get ahead of other selves. But it was small weird pains. Feelings of electrodes bouncing off my elbows. Mostly my left arm but never passed my elbow. When I sleep, well not sure while I’m sleeping, but when I wake, my hands are numb, and not sleepy numb. This pain has this heaviness and shoots sharp needles to my elbow.

So here I am more than a year later, the pain not only continues and I workout both body and hands, the heaviness of the pain is thicker. I have to wait for the pain to go away before continuing on what I’m doing. My addicted designing hobby has become more of a faraway dream. House chores become more of an accident waiting to happen. Lifting seems a challenge sometimes and I take pride in my strength.

It gets lonely when I can’t seem to pass on my pain, when I can’t seem to get a natural cure rather than listening to all the bullshit from high paying doctors with small minds.

I fear for my eyes too. Glasses are pricey, especially when you put yourself last. But times when my eyes feel like they are being squeezed. Sunlight sometimes hurt or even staying up late.

There’s fear that all my control over my insanity may get lost. 

First day of school…

Funny how I’ve been waiting for this day; and still have no idea what to do. Its so quiet and lonely its almost as if you could just cry a river.

I’m so fucking bored it’s driving me crazy. I can’t seem to find something worth doing and when I did get started on something it ended with me being stuck at finishing it.

Lonely in more ways than one

            So my life is basically busy, busy enough for me anyways. I am always trying to keep myself busy, such as housework, computer design, and interacting with the kids. I purposely keep myself busy for I hate sitting down or doing nothing for long period of time (more than 30 minutes of nothing will make me crazy).  So why is it I am so lonely?

            Adults, I don’t have any in my life, but MyLove. Whether he’s working too much, (as he has been for the last couple months) or home doing nothing, conversations are usually about the guys at work, motorcycle, or something that makes me go in a far off land. Still listening though, I can tell you just about everything he tells me but that’s because it’s the same thing every time. Its like reading, if you read a book constantly, you will have memorized it. I have memorized Jeff.

            Yes I have #1 and #2 to keep be busy.  Keeping me cooped up in this house and not a moment to myself, observing and embracing them everyday with their new learnings.  Motherhood allows you to learn something and try something different everyday. Childhood and motherhood involves every emotions and I’m not even halfway there! Watching #2 read now, its amazing, and its like she can’t stop! I take pride in myself that both girls are ahead of their age, not so much to skip grades but enough that they know what they are doing. This is about as much excitement as I get everyday.

            Friends? I don’t have any, physically speaking. I do not count the people on the PTO my ‘friends’, just school friends but not someone I can call friend. Of course it’s our first year at this school so I haven’t got the chance to know them outside of school. My last best friend is in the previous state we lived in and we no longer talk. Our daughters are best friends and they don’t either. Sad, something I knew that would happen, from experience. It would be nice to have her here; I could really use a friend now. And the rest of my ‘current’ friends, are on facebook. I say ‘current’ friends because they are the ones that I talk with at this time of my life. Those friends on facebook does not include anyone I don’t know, just the ones that once were in my life, the past and we do not speak. Out of all of them, only two we may actually get to talk to a couple times a month.

lonely  (ˈləʊnlɪ)  — adj  , -lier , -liest 1. unhappy as a result of

being without the companionship of others: a lonely man

2. causing or resulting from the state of being alone: a lonely existence

3. isolated, unfrequented, or desolate

4. without companions; solitary  

'loneliness   — n

www.dictionary.com

           

What a mess

Happy Belated New Year!

I guess it’s going to take me awhile before I get use to this blogging. My mind races with words before I get a moment to settle and type away.

New Year was all right, been the same since forever, hanging at home and trying to keep the kids awake. Except the older we get it is more like the kids trying to keep us awake!

I started this blog because I needed to vent. The title should have been Confessions from a SAHM.

Both kids got school to day, which is a great relief for me since this is the first week of school after two weeks of long Christmas break. I say long because we can’t financially afford to do much, even with the great job MyLove has. There just never seems to be enough hours in a day.

There is just so much I want to do, my computer designs, clean, learn how to work the sewing machine that was given as a gift to #1 and me. No never sewn, but she wants to be a fashion designer (at least in this moment of her life) and I thought it would be great if I could really encourage her to focus on that. She has had a lot of experiences in her young life and I think its time to get her mind on something she could have great interest in. I always thought kids would do great if they had their mind set on something and had to work for it, such as getting good grades and spending time on their hobby.

I finally finished a bed I started a week before Christmas for #2. Turns out I really, really, really miss woodworking and painting. That all goes into so little hours in a day. I painted a great neon colored zebra striped jewelry box for #1. And, I’m still working on the painting I started for MyLove’s birthday, just days after Christmas. Doubt they will get finished in a reasonable amount of time, since I promised #1 I’d get started on figuring out how to use the sewing machine. Besides this is getting bad, the worst words that could ever come out of my mouth is…’I’m starting to turn out like my mother’. That’s not a good thing! That is also a story for another blog, but long story short I disowned her. Part of her habit was keeping the eating table full of her paints and other crap that starts to hide under other crap that gets piled up. Which meant we never ate together as a family, only in the living room but as we got older we ate in our own rooms even, this is not what I wanted for my family. This might be the 2^nd time I’ve made this mess and we ended up eating in the living room but I’m smart enough to make sure that it gets cleaned up so we can get back to eating at the table.

Well, I got to create a Thank You note for one of the PTO board members. She took the time to make homemade cinnamon rolls for the PTO meeting last night. Since I’m the communication coordinator I thought it would be great to do a thank you note, which in turn will encourage all members to want to be more creative. I tell you, this is an art school and there are hardly any creative parents. Besides, both kids will  be up soon and the day will start.

Bashing my head

  I’m so piss off.. this could be MyLove’s last day at work. Just days before Christmas and days before bills that total more than our income are due. Mmmm.. should I buy presents or just hold on to this paycheck.

  Just pisses me off that I didn’t save as well as I should have. By the way, I control the finances in the house. He gives me paycheck I pay the bills, but they spend the money. Like.. ‘oh lets go out to eat’.. oh ‘I need this’.. blah same BS every Friday that’s payday. I have not gotten me anything in the past 10 years, the things that are mine are used and the things that are my hobby has been put off and just sitting in the dust waiting for free time.

  Yes we are one of those living paycheck to paycheck. In this short month, we’ve lost food stamps (which was helping us eat and cook healthier), medical insurance for all in household, and possibly a job. Mind you we still owe for some of August rent since we had to skip out on it to attend mother in law’s funeral out of state.

Hours later….

  So Jeff called on his way home and let me know he still has his job until at least the end of January. Which means I must pick up the slack and start being more wise about money.

  Growing up I didn’t have a great role model in financing. So I’m going into this new, this whole saving and being wise with money. But I’m good at what I’ve been doing. So my ass… I got to get it moving to understanding the seriousness of saving.

  Boy, a thing like this actually ruins my whole day… and on top of that I slept in till 9am. The last time I did that I must’ve been in college!!! So I didn’t get anything done but a load of dishes in the dishwasher.

  Christmas is just a few more days. I have not gotten any presents. On top of that my student loans and insurance are through the roof! #1 is growing up fast, she is 10 now, going on 14 with an attitude! But she’s fashionable. At the moment she wants to be a fashion designer so she has asked for a sewing machine, my sister got her one so now I need to go find some good scissors and a gift card for fabric. I found a real awesome book called ‘One-Yard Wonders 101 sewing projects ‘ by Rebecca Yaker & Patricia Hoskins. iHanna’s blog writes a nice review of this book, http://www.ihanna.nu/blog/?p=1073.

  #2 is just 5 years old. Its a lot easier to buy for the younger ones. They are happy with anything! Baby dolls, what else!

  Our tree is up and stockings are hung with care, presents are wrapped from relatives afar and all that’s left is plan for a meal.